Hello, World!

Well, it's been a while since I've updated this. And it's been quite a rollercoaster.

My work allows us to "phase back" into work after maternity leave. So I have finished my month-long phase back (20, 28, 32, 36 hour weeks) and am now officially on a 40-hour work week.

It is the most bittersweet thing, too. I love my job, my coworkers, what I do. I am grateful the opportunities I am afforded. But there is a (very) large part of me that feels like a failure of a mother for leaving my baby to be watched by another woman during the week. While I know that daycare is wonderful for developing little strong minds, and every time I drop my girl off she smiles and loves it, it still breaks my heart that I am missing so much time with her.

And yet, my time at work sometimes feels like a little mini vacation. I have people demanding stuff of me, but they all speak English and no one cries (at least, not usually). I can breathe. Pour myself a glass of water, go to the bathroom, and not worry I'm neglecting the needs of a (very) needy little girl.

There has to be some balance between raising a family and supporting a family that I don't think the United States has tapped into yet. I leave my house at 7, and get home at 5. 10 hours away. It just seems so broken. 10 hours away from my daughter. I get 30 minutes with her awake in the morning, and 2.5 hours with her at night. How is that being a good parent? My heart aches when I think about that. But I also can't afford not to work, and getting insurance is basically impossible if you work part time (why even bother working with the cost of premiums and deductibles at that point).

My office offers great insurance, wonderful support, and understanding management. I love what I do, and want to do more of it. I just wish there was a way to do it in less physical time. Not spend an hour on the road each day, an hour at lunch. That's all time I'm missing from my baby's life.

Will she think I was an absent mother? The one thing I disliked as a small child was how my parents were never able to be at my school events because they both worked full time. As a child, you don't understand that it's all for the betterment of your life - you just realize you're one of the 5 kids out of 30 whose parents can't be there. I swore I'd never raise my kids like that. But look, here I am, following in the footsteps of my childhood.

Is it possible to do something different than your parents? I don't know. So far it seems I've fallen lockstep into the path they forged. And while I don't think that's all negative, because I am a happy, fulfilled person, there are things I'd like to try differently.

Ah well... the first step is understanding what it feels like, and making every effort possible to change those circumstances. So that's what we shall do. Forge onward and adjust where needed.

Exhaustion

I thought exhaustion was a good headline for this entry, because it seems to be my new "normal". 24/7, I'm pretty tired. I know parenting is exhausting. You hear it from your bleary-eyed friends, their dark rings below their eyes tell the story.

Of course, movies make you believe that having a baby is just magical. When does the family fun kick in where she picks out pumpkins and snuggles us and wakes us up in the morning with joyful screeching?

Oh, we have to get through the 'fetus' stage, still. They leave that part out. I'm not complaining, this is the part I craved. The part I knew "mommy" would be the best at. I love her snuggles, her soft eyelashes fighting sleep. I love watching her learn to breathe, and dream while she's in another world of her own.

But Lordy, I am tired!

It's a cumulative exhaustion, by the way. For example, my husband started working full time last week. So by Friday, I was... done. It was a two-cup-of-coffee day. I can feel the tiredness nag at my edges until finally, I fray. Thankfully, my husband is incredible and picks up where I drop off. And while I'm still on my maternity leave, I understand it's mostly my responsibility to care for our tiny human. But, I wouldn't be lying if I said the thought of doing this + going to work 40 hours a week (45 when you add in lunches, 50 when you add in commute) didn't terrify me.

I would stay home if I could. But I can't, so hi-ho, it's off to work we go.

The fatigue changes other things, too. Days seem to disappear. I spend most of my time playing with my daughter (my daughter, that's weird to say)  -  looking into her beautiful eyes, cleaning her clothes, doing laundry, cleaning her room, changing her diapers, practicing tummy time. We spend most of our time snuggling. It's the best ever. But then I realize it's been 5 days and I never texted back that friend, or checked my messages.

And I'm okay with that. My new exhausting life is beautiful, and I wouldn't change it for the world. And I will never prioritize anything over the health and well being of my family.

The exhaustion also changes how you think. For example, this blog post is a hot mess of randomness. "New norm", I suppose!

So last week I ordered the Ju-Ju-Be Chrome 'Be Classy' diaper bag. I am going to use it as a purse for work. I know that it's super expensive, and honestly, I think I purchased it in a moment of weakness. But it's very pretty, and should do it's job. I just wanted something nice, discreet, and strong. The flimsy purses I bought always scuff or break. I am hoping this does not do either of those things.And, I can stuff baby fluff in it when I need to. And let's face it, JJB is just an amazing brand I like buying their stuff.   I'll report back on the functionality of the bag when I start work,

I have been using a BFF for my diaper bag. And it is the GREATEST!! It fits my formula pod, two bottles, a "Be Set" which I filled with extra clothes for her, diapers, a wipe pack, a swaddle blanket and a nursing scarf. All with room to spare. And that's just on the inside! I also pack sunglasses, contact solution, keys, sanitizer, boogie wipes and lip gloss in my  "mommy pouch". I'll post pictures on my next post.

Anyways, being organized and using something 'fancy' for baby gear makes me feel like a million bucks, so I am all for getting something nice for your daily bags. (I also must have a bag fetish, because I just LOVE bags!)

Today we are going to Target to grab some thread, because I bought a sewing machine and plan on making baby clothes, etc. I even got a pattern for baby pants and a baby jacket!!! I can't wait to have some time to work on it... assuming she sleeps long enough to let me ;)

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up, because it's not making much sense. But one last thought -

we are attempting to cloth diaper. and we've purchased several brands to try. So far we are liking Lalabye Baby, GroVia and Thirsties. I ordered another GroVia one, and plan on getting a couple more of each of these all-in-ones. My cloth experience will be another post tomorrow.

For now, we shop!
-TTT

Hey!

My name's Emily and I'm a first-time, new mama. My beautiful baby girl was born at the end of August and we are about 2 months in as I write this post.

My life changed significantly the moment she arrived. Partly because hello, new human! and partly because I almost bled out on the table. 

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration. But I did lose a lot of blood. And the whole experience changed my life. For the better. It's put things into perspective for me, things I had never thought about before. And now I am rediscovering who I am as a mother, wife, friend, person, and everything. 

Come along on this journey with me. As I try new products. test out my 'crunchy' baby stuff, and somehow manage to work a 9-5 job (to pay for above crunchy baby stuff) and still ... try .... to better myself.