Well, it's been a while since I've updated this. And it's been quite a rollercoaster.
My work allows us to "phase back" into work after maternity leave. So I have finished my month-long phase back (20, 28, 32, 36 hour weeks) and am now officially on a 40-hour work week.
It is the most bittersweet thing, too. I love my job, my coworkers, what I do. I am grateful the opportunities I am afforded. But there is a (very) large part of me that feels like a failure of a mother for leaving my baby to be watched by another woman during the week. While I know that daycare is wonderful for developing little strong minds, and every time I drop my girl off she smiles and loves it, it still breaks my heart that I am missing so much time with her.
And yet, my time at work sometimes feels like a little mini vacation. I have people demanding stuff of me, but they all speak English and no one cries (at least, not usually). I can breathe. Pour myself a glass of water, go to the bathroom, and not worry I'm neglecting the needs of a (very) needy little girl.
There has to be some balance between raising a family and supporting a family that I don't think the United States has tapped into yet. I leave my house at 7, and get home at 5. 10 hours away. It just seems so broken. 10 hours away from my daughter. I get 30 minutes with her awake in the morning, and 2.5 hours with her at night. How is that being a good parent? My heart aches when I think about that. But I also can't afford not to work, and getting insurance is basically impossible if you work part time (why even bother working with the cost of premiums and deductibles at that point).
My office offers great insurance, wonderful support, and understanding management. I love what I do, and want to do more of it. I just wish there was a way to do it in less physical time. Not spend an hour on the road each day, an hour at lunch. That's all time I'm missing from my baby's life.
Will she think I was an absent mother? The one thing I disliked as a small child was how my parents were never able to be at my school events because they both worked full time. As a child, you don't understand that it's all for the betterment of your life - you just realize you're one of the 5 kids out of 30 whose parents can't be there. I swore I'd never raise my kids like that. But look, here I am, following in the footsteps of my childhood.
Is it possible to do something different than your parents? I don't know. So far it seems I've fallen lockstep into the path they forged. And while I don't think that's all negative, because I am a happy, fulfilled person, there are things I'd like to try differently.
Ah well... the first step is understanding what it feels like, and making every effort possible to change those circumstances. So that's what we shall do. Forge onward and adjust where needed.
