Part of parenthood is a submersive lesson into giving 100% of yourself to another living being. You think you know what that means owning a dog, being married, having a sibling, or a job. But it's entirely different.
I like to think of it like your brain is an onion (go with me, here). But an onion that can just keep growing, and growing. And at the core is your little heart with the strongest of emotions. It's full of your interests, passions, drive, motivations, desires. All you. When you have a kid, it's like, that's still there, but the layer next to it is replaced. And it's all-consuming. And you start growing new layers upon layers and they're all about your new little mini-me.
This analogy is getting weird.
Anyways, my point is, that heart, or core, of you, it's still there. It's buried, and it will never be separated from your other love peels, but it's there. And I'm finding that as the months fly by (literally, my baby turns one next month... what?) you start reaching inward and finding that heart again. YOu start feeling like you again. Or I am starting to feel like me. I turned on music. Like, my music. For me. Not just as background noise, but with nice headphones, to get lost in my songs. Songs that make me feel things. I haven't felt much lately. If I'm entirely honest. It's all go, go, go. Organize. Pay bills, Make sure everyone is fed/in the right place/sleeping/breathing. So, having even a glimmer of FEELING is just.... intense.
Yesterday I drove. I just... drove. And turned up music, and watched the terrain pass by, and it's like a little tiny bit of my onion-heart came back to me, and I found myself again.
The same thing kind of happens to relationships, by the way. You lose track of time, and you lose track of each other. And as you crawl out of the first year, you can send out little lifelines again. Little strands to help repair what might have been broken. I am sending out my ropes to those in my life who I have lost touch with. I am ready to be me again. Oh, how I miss that old me. And yet, I wouldn't go back. Not ever. I love the new layers around my heart, full of sloppy kisses, and drool, and poop, and dirty diapers, and so, so many bottles. It's just... a piece of me now. That new life. And beneath that, the crazy, funny, fun, lighthearted me, she's there. She just needs to come out occasionally and see fresh air.
What I'm saying is, at some point, you have to play the music again. You have to get lost in the notes, and even let yourself FEEL the past, so you can build your new future the way you want it. The only person who gets to decide what that is is you. And me. And every other new parent out there.
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